It's been ages since I actually wrote anything proper. Two years on, in ways which I've grew, things which I've learned, friendships that I have made, but somehow there's this niggling feeling that I've could have done much more, much more. Finishing the appraisal just made me feel a tad demoralised. Maybe I've set the benchmarks too high that I could not jump over and I'm left feeling disappointed.

I know my dream is waiting for me, yet i'm dragging my feet, procrastinating, trying to find all kinds of excuses. In some ways I've tried, really tried despite the craziness of it all, I've performed mediocrely well, at least it wasn't so bad but just average, still I didn't hit that button.

Sometimes I questioned myself why do I want to get it in at all, and the tough decisions that I would have to made down the road, could I account for a human's life? Perhaps like what someone said, "just keep thinking whether to push the button, and how far could you actually push it before you decide".

And I've seen all the ongoings, the good, bad and ugly, throw in the P word and gossip and it gets into a mess, and I questioned myself, do I really want in? it seems everything was in vain, all the efforts and time spent. Perhaps, if I don't stay any longer, I might have to take flight. Now at this juncture, I really am at a double mind, whether to stay or to go. It seems to have changed the dynamics and perhaps I'm not used to it, I've withdrawn back, further back, prefering to keep conversations at a superficial level, without the probing here and there.

Now, I'm considering if it's time to move on. for a change.